


Forelsket

by radstiels



Category: JackSepticEye (YouTube RPF), Markiplier (YouTube RPF), Youtube RPF
Genre: Awkward Romance, Awkwardness, Fluff, Jealousy, M/M, Mutual Pining, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Pining, Twisted and Fluffy Feelings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-05
Updated: 2015-09-25
Packaged: 2018-04-07 21:21:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4278342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/radstiels/pseuds/radstiels
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Mark finds out on Twitter that Jack is dating again, he's hurt (because Jack didn't tell him, of course). Because Jack's new partner is also a huge fan, Mark becomes worried that she's only using his friend for personal gain. But when his concern for Jack slowly turns into a fixation, it's more than a little awkward at IndyPopCon. And PAX Prime.</p><p>And when Jack comes to stay in his apartment for a week.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Mr. Stays-Up-All-Night

**Author's Note:**

> This is an RPF. In this story, Jack's real-life girlfriend, Signe, will be mentioned. In NO WAY am I trying to insult her or portray her in a bad light! Any of her behaviours/mannerisms in this work of fiction is completely of my own fabrication. All I use is her name, everything else (personality, attitudes...) is made up by me!
> 
> Also, I made up Jack's ex-girlfriend's name too. I've no idea what her actual name is.
> 
> ~(the title will be explained in chapter 2!)~

 

 

> _Love is friendship that has caught fire. It is quiet understanding, mutual confidence, sharing and forgiving. It is loyalty through good and bad times. It settles for less than perfection and makes allowances for human weaknesses. ~ Ann Landers_

 

It came as kind of a shock to him, initially.

He was up late editing, as per usual, though the monotony of chopping up his recent session of Kholat bored him quicker than anticipated. He slouched, mindlessly scrolling through Twitter on his iPhone to entertain himself before returning to cutting silent and dumb pieces out for his next video.

As he tapped and pressed and typed, he found himself amongst fans before long. Reading their thoughts, comments and ideas was always amusing. One tweet in particular made him laugh so suddenly that his throat wasn't prepared and he started coughing. Still snickering, Mark reached forward for his glass and smirked into it as he drank, inwardly praising that person's natural, quick wit.

Getting carried away was, of course, way too easy. Soon fifteen minutes passed, overshooting his supposed "five-minute break" by longer than he'd like, but he was too wrapped up in Twitter to notice just yet. And during that period, he observed that Jack was still awake, online and more energetic than he could ever be at... Whatever the fuck time it was in Ireland. 4 a.m.? 5 a.m.?

Jack's tweet was something to do with food, or not sleeping, or something along those lines. He was more interested in reading fans' responses.

Someone called @septicloughlin mentioned his name, and so piqued his interest.

_"it's okay to ship mark &jack and it's okay not to, it's okay to ship jack&wiishu and it's okay not to"_

"Wiishu" was someone that Mark had never heard of. Was it a character that Jack made up in a recent game? He _did_ start playing that dating game... What was it? Kitty Powers Matchmaker? Either way, Mark visibly leaned forward in his chair, now engrossed in discovering who "Wiishu" was.

A quick search told him that there was an account with that exact name. "@Wiishu". More investigation showed that "@Wiishu" was a fan from Denmark who frequently creates art for both him, Jack, the Grumps, and more. Mark's eyebrows furrowed in frustration. If anything, this created more questions than it did answers. Was this who that Jack fan account was talking about?

Maybe a general search for the name would hold more clues, because the account itself just seemed like a normal, regular person with no connection to Jack except for the art. But, after tapping the search button, more tweets than he ever expected popped up, each more puzzling than the last.

 _"congrats jack and wiishu! :)"_  
_"i ship those two sooo hard!! #jackseptiishu"_  
_"really happy for jack and wiishu, they're so cute"_

Was this person just a... really hardcore fan? And people started to ship them with Jack? He was really, _really_ perplexed. Editing almost forgotten, Mark opened Tumblr on his desktop and quickly typed "wiishu" in the tag section, clicked search, and scrolled.

 _"all the people who are sending jack and wiish anon hate are just jealous of their absolute relationship goals lmao exit bitch"_  
_"IF I HAVE TO READ ONE MORE BULLSHIT AND SNARKY COMMENT DIRECTED TOWARDS WIISHU I WILL KILL. stop being so ass hurt that she's dating Jack. They're cute."_

Mark couldn't stop himself. _"What?"_ he blurted, eyebrows almost at his hairline in shock. Was this for real? To be completely sure, he clicked his way to "wiishu"'s official Tumblr, and scrolled some more until she (a girl, he discovered, named Signe) answered some questions regarding her and Jack.

 _anonymous asks:_  
_are you and jacksepticeye actually dating?_

 _wiishu said:_  
_Yes :)_

All of a sudden Mark's throat felt dry. Still staring at the monitor, his hand reached for his glass, and he unconsciously downed the entire thing without his eyes never leaving the post. He just... couldn't stop looking at it. _Why didn't he tell me?_ was his first thought. _Wait, so what if he didn't fucking tell me? It's his life. I shouldn't question him._

Though, something kept niggling him in the back of his head. A worry. A concern. It didn't sound like Jack to date someone so quickly after what happened with his previous girlfriend. He mightn't know the guy all his life, but Jack was a sincere, genuine guy, and after seeing first-hand how broken up he was over his ex, to get with a girl not even a month later-? It made no _sense_.

The only way to get some actual answers and put this shit to rest for good was to ask Jack himself. Closing wiishu's Tumblr, he snatched up his phone again and sent a quick text to him.

_hey man, you still awake?_

Whilst waiting on a response, he opened up Premiere for all of two seconds.

 _Y_ _eah haha :)_ _G_ _onna tell me to sleep, momiplier?_

Mark rolled his eyes and attempted to stop the small smile that crept onto his face.

_fuck no! i wanted to talk to you real quick though... can ya skype?_

_Sure, but, any reason why? haha_

_...phone bills are a bitch? :D?_

_Can't you just text me? Im lazy as balls_

_i wanna see your bedhead hair tho :(_

_Yeah, right! Ill log on now, give me a minute_

Instead of using his recording area, Mark made a beeline for the living room, to open up his personal laptop. As he entered his login details, his mind drifted to other places. _Is this dumb? Asking your friend to Skype you just to ask if he really does have a girlfriend? It shouldn't bug me so much, but it does... Because... She might just be using him for fame! And stuff. I guess. She could be! Maybe? Am I being too paranoid?_ He scratched his scruff with one hand, deep in thought and questioning as he pressed the blue call button with the other.

Cringing at the Mark he saw on the screen, he tried to fix his hair a little, running his fingers through it and flicking strands from side to side until he was satisfied. He removed his glasses and breathed on the lenses, cleaning them with the bottom of his shirt when Jack answered.

“So, what's up? Why you callin' me at 6 in the fuckin' mornin'? Better be important.” Jack's voice was low, deep and husky from it's night of rest.

Mark scoffed. “Like you were doing anything, Mr. Stays-Up-All-Night. You _have_ to stop that shit.”

The crack of Jack's neck as he stretched could be heard in America. Literally. For a moment, just a moment, Mark took the time to look at Jack. Really _look_ at him. He hadn't cut his own hair in awhile, so the top was messy and unkempt, ungelled and unstyled, but in a good way. From the background, he was in his living room as well, and he chuckled when Jack flipped him off to lift up a mug of either tea or coffee, sipping it gently. The sun had already risen in Westmeath, but the dull light that illuminated his friend's face suggested clouds obscured the sun's rays, making the day seem older than it was. His eyes flickered from Jack's eyelashes that fluttered slightly from the satisfying tang of a hot morning drink, to his throat which bobbed each time another hot gulp was swallowed.

“That drink nice?” asked Mark, fixing his glasses back into place on the bridge of his nose. The couch behind him called for his back, so he gave into it, cosying up and stifling a yawn.

“Fuckin' beautiful,” responded Jack, rolling his eyes back in pleasure and wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. “It's a pity coffee does sweet fuck-all for me. Now stop bullshittin', Mark. Why'd ya make me Skype ya?” Jack rested his heavy, tired-looking head on his hand, elbow on the dining table he sat at.

His hands lifted up in defense. “Chill, I just got a question, and I thought it'd be easier if I explained it face-to-face.” He looked at the call time, and smiled. “Well, kinda face-to-face. You know what I mean.”

“Get on with it.” Jack drawled, not unkindly.

“Alright! Alright...” Mark found himself looking at his legs. He scratched his head, trying to figure out how to word it so that it didn't sound creepy or stalker-ish. “Okay, so uh... I saw something on Twitter, and I was wondering-”

“Is it that Sense8 thing? What the fuck's that all about?” interjected Jack, “I think it's somethin' on Netflix-?”

“Shut up and let me finish!”

“Sorry! Sorry... I just thought it was about that.”

Mark made a zipping motion across his lips with his fingers. But when Jack quietened, he remembered he couldn't find his words. _Shit._ “Anyway, it was a thing on Twitter one of your fans said-” He noted Jack's features when they twisted into a cringe. Oh. Yeah. He hated calling his viewers “fans”. “Um, they said something like, 'It's okay to ship Jack and Mark and it's okay not to, it's okay to ship Jack and... Like, some different name and it's okay not to.' And- and I did a little digging, and I saw this person on, like, Tumblr.” He cleared his throat and forced himself to look back up at his monitor.

“W-Wiishu or something like that? They said they were dating you. Is that, like... For real?”

Now it was Jack's turn to look down. The moment Mark said the name his eyes dropped, and he covered his mouth to hid his crack of a smile.

“Yeah, it is actually,” acknowledged Jack. He stroked his scruff briefly, rubbing the back of his neck with a hint of awkwardness.

Mark let out a breath he didn't know he was holding. Once again, he was at a loss for words. For some strange reason, before Jack's confirmation, he thought it was bullshit. He _hoped_ it was bullshit. _Why?_ Well... Because Jack just got out of a four year-ish relationship. He didn't wanna judge the guy or anything, but...Wasn't it a little early to be moving on? Maybe?

_Why am I questioning his relationship choices? It's none of my fucking business!_

“Hey, uhm, Jack?” His voice cracked a little. “I don't wanna sound, like, judgemental or anything... I mean, it's your life and stuff, but... Isn't it all a little too... Sudden?”

Jack looked like he wanted to frown, but he nodded instead. “I get where you're coming from, Mark. It's fine. And yeah, it might look a little strange to you... But, I thought it through. I've known Signe for longer than I've been datin' her and... I dunno, she just feels right, y'know?” He rubbed the sleep from his eyes and let out a long, tired yawn. He drank his coffee some more.

 _I wish I did. The last girlfriend_ I _had was_ years _ago._

“Yeah, I get it, I guess...” He trailed off, pulling on his black hair. “But, Jack... She's- you know... She's a _fan_. I know I sound like a douchebag, but... I'm just worried about you, man. I don't want you to- I don't want it to end badly.”

The other man smiled appreciatively. “It means a lot that you'd care that much, Mark.”

They fell into a blissful silence for a handful of moments. Jack slowly finished his coffee, gulping the hot liquid with a certain hunger, smacking his lips after he set the mug down for the final time.

“Why-” Mark attempted to fill the silence, fixing his glasses that rested on his nose, “Why didn't you like, announce it? On Twitter or something?” It slightly wounded him to know that Jack hadn't even bothered to tell _him_. He thought he was a close enough friend for Jack to confide in him with these things, even if he didn't want the public eye on his new... lover. _I would've told him if I got a girlfriend..._ Maybe Jack liked to keep things private. After all, Mark couldn't even name Jack's siblings, or describe their features, yet Jack knew childhood stories of Tom and him.

Shrugging, Jack fidgeted with his hands. “If there's anything I hate the most, it's people thinking I'm something that I'm not. Everyone knows I hate looking egotistical or conceited on my channel... I don't even have a name for my viewers, because it generalises them and they're all separate people with their own stories and reasons for watchin' me. I don't do reaction videos or shit like that, I don't ever tell anyone to subscribe to me, only in my outro do I have the option for people to do that. I never say it in my videos. Not once. I don't say bullshit like, 'Let's try hit one hundred thousand likes this time guys, then I'll do x and y!' I don't withhold content from people because that's fuckin' deplorable. I'd be nowhere without the people who support me. I'd be stuck in some shit audio engineering job, or God forbid, hotel management.”

Eyebrow raised, Mark leaned forward. He wasn't sure where this was going.

“What I'm tryna say is... I worry about other people's thoughts and opinions of me. Some of my friends tell me I worry a little too much. But whatever. I... I didn't wanna just fuckin' tweet, 'Hey guys! I got a girlfriend! Haha! Be happy for me!' Like, most people would be happy, o'course, but... I dunno. I didn't wanna sound like a fuckin' dick. I hated even mentionin' my last breakup to everyone... But I just couldn't stand the questions about her anymore. I couldn't keep pretending I was seeing someone I wasn't, so I kinda had to subtly mention it on Tumblr... I never even said it in any of my videos or anything.

“I didn't wanna look like some sort of a player or somethin'...” Jack suddenly seemed to find his nails very interesting, “Especially not to you. That's why I didn't tell anyone. And I'm sorry you had to find out the way you did, as well. I was gonna wait for another week or two. I wouldn't keep somethin' like that from you, Mark, but you of all people know how much I love my ex-girlfriend. And I didn't wanna seem like some womanisin' asshole-”

“Jack. Stop.” Mark held up a hand, and the other man quietened. “You're rambling, did you know that?” Smiling, he shifted his laptop on his lap, tilted his screen so Jack could see him better, and looked directly into the webcam so his friend could see his sincerity. “You're waaay too paranoid, my friend. I don't _care_ if you jump from girl to girl. As for your community... Well, nothing's ever gonna please everyone. Someone's always mad- but that's beside the point.” Mark flicked that topic away with his hand.

“I get your reasoning, and it's _okay_ , Jack. Relax. I'm happy you found someone you like. Really. The _only_ thing that bugs me is the fact that she's a huge fan. You know what happened when a fan found her way towards _me_. The.. Snapchat thing...” It gave him a headache just thinking about it. He didn't wanna relive that. His fingers gently massaged his left temple when Jack responded.

“Thanks, Mark. And I know, yeah, that was fuckin' awful. But Signe's different, I can tell. I wouldn't have taken the chance with her if I wasn't completely sure. I'm glad to see you have my back, but I was as careful as anyone would've been.”

“Alright,” Mark concluded, “I trust your judgement. But- one more thing...”

“Yea?”

“This is a dumb thing to say, but... Is Signe a- a rebound?”

“What?”

“I mean, you were with Soo-Jin for so long, you're not just using her to fill a void, are you?”

Jack's jaw clenched, and his eyes turned to stone. “No, she's not.”

_Fuck. Shit. I did a bad._

“I'm sorry. I had to ask, Jack. You gotta see it from my point of view.”

His eyes remained unchanged, and his body visibly tensed. If he was trying to hide his displeasure, he was failing. “It's alright. I know you're just doing your job as being a friend. You gotta smack sense into me if you can see me doin' somethin' I can't.”

“Exactly!” At this stage, Jack's exhaustion was tangible. No wonder the guy's feathers were ruffled, it was like, seven o'clock in the morning, and the poor guy hadn't slept all night. Taking a second look at his friend, Mark was taken aback to see dark circles under his eyes that weren't there before.

“I gotta let you go, Jack. You look like you're about to pass out. I'm sorry for keeping you so long. Go get some rest, buddy. And congratulations, too. I wish you two all the happiness in the world.”

His friend relaxed a little and grinned. “Thanks, Mark. I'm gonna try catch a few winks before I have to get up again and edit.”

“Speaking of editing, I gotta do some now. I'll see you around, Jack.”

“See ya, Mark.”

The Skype call ended, and Mark fell back into his couch, shutting his computer down without turning it off. _So it's true. Jack's dating a Danish fangirl a month after getting dumped by his ex after like, four years._ Trying to wrap it all around his head, he thought of another Skype conversation they had a couple of months ago. But that time, the roles were reversed.

 

**xxx xxx xxx**

 

 

_It was two o' clock in the morning when his phone rang. He cracked his eyes open to a sea of darkness, an irritatingly booming ringtone and the faint feeling of vibration. It took a few moments for the time shining in his face to sink in, but when it did, he let out a long, exasperated sigh. Just to silence the fucking thing, he answered Jack._

“ _Do you have any idea what time it is, Jack?” he moaned. “It's 2 a.m. here. Have you forgotten about time zones?” He had so much stuff to get done tomorrow, Cyndago were coming soon and he had to plan the charity livestream on top of everything else._

_The other end was silent... Except for sniffling. Jack began to apologise but Mark shot upward in his bed and cut him off._

_Anger completely disregarded and thrown to the side, he prioritised his friend. “What's going on, Jack?” asked Mark, distress and concern hitting him so hard he felt dizzy._

“ _I- it's so stupid, I shouldn't have called, fuck, I'll- go back to sleep, Mark-”_

_Jack's voice absolutely crushed him. He sounded miserable and weak, his voice was croaky and thick with sadness._

“ _Like hell I will!” He exclaimed assertively. “You can't just call me in the state that you're in and expect me to go 'Okay! My sleep is more important than my crying friend, bye!' Tell me what's up.”_

_He turned his bedside lamp on and squinted to let his eyes adjust, scratching his tangled black mess that sat atop his head._

_On the other end, he head Jack let out a shaky breath. “Okay, I'll, uh- well, it's just-... It's about- Oh, fuck... I can't... I just c-can't-” the other man began to sob, struggling to breathe properly._

_Hearing such a happy person weep is one of the most heartbreaking things Mark ever had to listen to._

“ _Take your time, Jack. I'm here now and I'm not leaving you.” He wasn't sure where that came from, but he went along with it._

_His friend struggled to find words, but Mark was patient. He fumbled for his glasses and slid them onto his nose, feeling a little more awake now. He rubbed the sleep from his groggy eyes with his free hand and fought off a yawn._

“ _It's- my.. Mark, can we Skype?”_

“ _Of course!” He didn't need to think about the answer. “So long as you don't mind my face.”_

_Jack let out a huff that sounded like it should be a chuckle. “No, I don't.”_

_Retrieving his laptop took less than a minute. He hung up on Jack when he received an incoming video call from the same man on Skype._

_When he answered, his friend's webcam was disabled. Mark lifted an eyebrow and made sure his mic was on. “Jack? Buddy? Turn on your camera, man. Come on.”_

_Silence filled between them until Jack said, “I don't want to. I was goin' to... But I forgot what I looked like.” He faintly heard Jack blowing his nose into some tissues in the background._

“ _I ended the phone call just to have another one? Your face can't be worse than mine, Jack,” he tried to lighten the mood as best he could. “Please?”_

_He caught the sound of a quavering sigh, and Jack's webcam changed from a disabled icon to a buffering one... And then, there he was._

_Jack was sitting at his recording desk. Mark could tell because bright lights illuminated his features. His red, splotched face and bloodshot eyes looked back at him. Bleak and cheerless, he watched as Jack wiped his eyes with a paper towel._

“ _It's Soo-Jin,” said Jack. His voice was brittle and weak, as if worn down to nothing._

_Leaning closer, Mark saw that Jack's shoulders were shaking, and after only a handful of seconds, Jack broke down again. His thick eyebrows furrowed in pain and his eyes welled with tears._

_When he cried there was a rawness to it, as if it were an open wound. The sobs were stifled at first in an attempt to hide his grief, then overcome by the wave of his emotions he would break down entirely, all his defences washed away in salty tears. When he at last looked up to face Mark, he was a picture of grief, loss, devastation._

_And then Mark knew._

_But he stayed silent and let the man cry his soul out for his lost love._

“ _She told me yesterday,” Jack began. His throat cracked, and he reached for something beyond the screen. His hand returned gripping a glass of water. “On the phone. Couldn't find it in herself to see my reaction, she said.” The glass was emptied in one go. “Started off with the usual shit – it wasn't my fault, that she still loved me, it was great while it lasted...” Another tear escaped his sad, azure eyes. “But no matter how well she said it... Under it all, it was still a breakup. 'I'm dumpin' you'.”_

_Maybe it was time for Mark to speak up. He wasn't good at consoling someone in this situation. It didn't happen often – having to give his opinion on a breakup. Wade and Molly were happy together, and Bob was married, for fuck's sake. He didn't have time to think of a remark because Jack continued, now matter how weak he looked._

“ _Said I was cheatin' on her with Youtube,” he said sadly, rubbing his nose. “That I had no time for her anymore because of my job. She knew how much I was being paid and told me I didn't once think to spend it on a plane to Korea to see her again. Instead I flew the wrong direction – to America, for PAX East.”_

“ _Fucking hell,” Mark sighed, not sure what else to say._

_The other man gulped down his water and forced his tears not to fall. “She was right, though, and that's what hurts the most. I completely neglected her as soon as my channel got big. I replaced our Skype talks with a collab session. Stopped textin' her to try edit my videos better.” Jack's words shook with emotion and he covered his face again. He let out more sobs, each one hitting Mark harder than the last. “I was so fuckin' selfish...”_

_Out came a huff of frustration from Mark. “I disagree,” he said, leaning closer to his webcam. Legs numb from sitting in the same position, he stretched them out and leaned back against the headboard of his bed. “Soo-Jin should've been more understanding of just how busy people like us get with our jobs at YouTube.”_

_From then until dawn, Mark sat there and consoled his friend. Expressed his love for Jack and disappointment in Soo-Jin. He listened as Jack sobbed and sniffled through his feelings. He watched hi friend completely unravel before his eyes, telling him absolutely everything about their relationship. Their online meeting, their first kiss, the day he couldn't stop laughing when she tripped up in Gyeongbokgung and spilled her drink all over herself._

_As he heard Jack talk to him about his ex-lover, he saw something in him that captivated him. His eyes that had tiny red snakes seeping in from the corners seemed to shine, glimmer even, when speaking of Soo-Jin. This was something that Mark had never seen before. A demeanour of loss, sadness and pining coupled with an expression that seeped love and adoration intrigued him. He didn't know it was possible to look so sad but so happy simultaneously._

_The mixture of melancholy and love in Jack threw him off. Looking at him like this made something twitch in the back of Mark's mind and heart. All at once, the distance hit Mark like a train. On his laptop there was a man so in need of a hug. Someone who desperately needed a loving, caring, friendly touch. All of a sudden he yearned to be next to Jack. The last time they embraced was in the lift in the hotel after PAX East, just before they had to leave. It was so quick, unemotional and meaningless. Mark would give anything in the world to go to Jack right now this instant to make up for it tenfold._

_Four and a half hours later and both of them were finally smiling, albeit tiredly. No more tears were shed and they spent more time just chatting aimlessly. The atmosphere of grief slowly lifted and they became more joyful and talkative until it was nearly seven o'clock in the morning and the risen sun beamed through his apartment windows._

“ _I think you should take tomorrow off, Jack,” suggested Mark. “After everything that happened, I think you deserve a break.”_

“ _Fuck no,” said Jack. “I haven't missed a day in 2 years. Plus, it's nice distraction therapy. I love what I do, so it'd be kinda counter-intuitive to not do it, really. I'd just be thinkin' of her all day, so...”_

“ _Whatever you say,” he shrugged, cracking his knuckles absent-mindedly._

“ _Go on, you should go back to sleep. I've kept you up all night, haven't I?” Jack laughed nervously. “I didn't even notice the time go by, I'm so fuckin' sorry, Mark-”_

“ _Hold it right there, Jackaboy.” Mark cut in. “I stayed up because I wanted to, and you needed me. I'm your friend and that's what friends do. They're there for you when you need them.”_

“ _But the time-?”_

“ _Fuck the time. I'll take a nap later on. I'm your friend and I care about you a lot. No matter what time of the day or night it is, let's make a promise to always be available to one another for stuff like this. Sound good?”_

_Jack looked down and smiled at his legs. “Yeah, that sounds good.” He glanced back up into the webcam, and Mark got a good look at those big blue eyes that were tainted with the aftermath of a sob session. “Which means that you can annoy my ass at an ungodly hour to rant at me as well. No matter what it is.”_

“ _I'll call you just to whine about the lack of local co-op on GTA five.”_

“ _Don't make me burst into tears again, Mark. I just got done.”_

_They laughed together, and it was then that Mark knew that Jack was a true friend. He'd spilled his guts to him... And he trusted Mark enough to share that kind of information with him, and, as far as he knows, just him alone._

_He slept peacefully that ni- morning._

 

 

**xxx xxx xxx**

 

 

Standing up, Mark stretched and didn't even bother to check the time. Whatever his phone told him would make him groan either way – he knew he'd wasted enough minutes for today. He trudged back to his recording room to resume listening to his own voice, deleting mistakes and searching for a nice 3 seconds of clip to repeat for the outro.

Jack plagued his thoughts for the rest of the night.

 


	2. Euphoric Feeling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ((TRIGGER WARNING: VAGUE SELF-HARM + SCARS MENTIONED IN THIS CHAPTER))  
> [d/w, it's neither mark nor jack!!]
> 
> i sincerely apologise for not updating for so long!! surprisingly, this chapter has actually been sitting in my documents on my laptop for a long while now, and idek why i didn't publish it, sorry!
> 
> this chapter takes place in jack's POV.  
> since i am irish myself, some slang words may be used. as far as i can tell, there's only one in this chapter.   
> "messages" is just another word for groceries, when you come to it.  
> edit: oh, and "deadly" is another word for great/amazing. idk why
> 
> other things i have mentioned in this chapter are things like the town where he lives (athlone, co. westmeath. fun fact - it's actually right in the centre of ireland. go on, look it up!), and his interests and fears and childhood.  
> stuff about how he grew up in the middle of nowhere, is heavy metal trash, is terrified of heights and used to be in a metal band (psst, it's called "raised to the ground", go look at fetus jack on youtube)
> 
> anyway, enough rambling. enjoy reading!

 

 

Breakfast was already on the table when his phone buzzed. It did that every morning nowadays, always from the same person.

_what's cookin' good lookin'_

The smile that found it's way to Jack's cheeks couldn't be helped. He sipped on his coffee once more, thinking of what to reply to his girlfriend.

_Girlfriend. Wow. I still can't believe we're together._

Jack had known Signe for a long time before they admitted their feelings to one another. She was beautiful, funny, had fuckin' _deadly_ art skills, and on top of all that… She liked him. Even at twenty-five years old, he still cherished the butterflies that fluttered in his stomach each time he had the blessing of a wonderful woman in his life.

_Nothin much buttercup_

_u suck at rhyming. 7/10_

_Fuck you_

_that's the plan, m8_

Jesus fucking Christ, she was amazing. He laughed at her reply and texted back, explaining the day he had ahead of him, that he'll put a pin in that conversation and return to it later. He returned to filling his mouth with the traditional Irish breakfast – pork sausages, bacon rashers, fried eggs, black and white pudding and fried tomatoes.

Next on his agenda was showering, editing, out for groceries, recording and then recording some more. He thought prepping for IndyPopCon would be tedious, but he was actually looking forward to a long ass session of Deadpool later on.

So it was pretty much a normal day, really.

A couple days ago, though, he had one of those days where he just didn't sleep. It's pretty normal for him – he _hated_ sleeping. It's a waste of time in his eyes. He could be working on something but instead his body just _had_ to pass out for hours on end.

But it wasn't the slight acute insomnia that bothered him. Mark texted him at 6 a.m. to ask about Signe and if it was all for real. He should've known that he was gonna find out sooner than he'd thought, but during their talk, he seemed… Off. Distracted, or disbelieving, or _something._

Throughout his usual morning routine, he thought about Mark. It still confused him as to why he insisted on a Skype call. _Why?_ The phone bills excuse was bullshit, they both had FaceTime, and there were so many other ways they could've talked.

He tried to forget about Mark's behaviour, right up until he zipped his jacket and tugged his beanie on over his spiky hair. The stupid, messy brown mop decided that today was the day to completely fuck him over and not agree to his persistent styling demands. _When in doubt, beanie out_.

Wallet, keys, phone and everything accounted for, he descended the stairs and stepped out into the “real world”. _The graphics suck balls,_ he mused.

Not a lot of people knew that his apartment was actually right next to the river Shannon, the longest river in Ireland. It was soothing to hear soft sounds of flowing water every time he opened his front door. When the weather smiled on Athlone, which it rarely did, the sun's beams made it seem as if there were thousands upon thousands of shining crystals floating lightly with the stream. When he had room-mates, on the days he was tasked with getting the messages, he savoured the scent of fresh water and petrichor.

Having grown up around nature, he was glad he picked this particular apartment complex. The river always matched the sky, and it was beautiful when the light caught it in the right way. When the sun shined, it looked like a vast, deep blue ocean. When clouds gathered together and became one, the water became dark, grey mist. Even though there was an abundance of rain on the small, wet island he was born and raised on, the sounds of the water from the sky and earth connecting relaxed him.

The rustling leaves on the thin, papery trees by the gates were less than a shadow than that of the dark forest that served as his back garden back at his cabin. Nevertheless, nature was his music and he needed no earphones to listen to their symphonies.

Buildings were like a belt in the picture of the town in front of him as he walked. The sky was vast and endless, the river just as much. His living space was on one side of the river and most supermarkets on the other, so he made the well-known journey across the nearest bridge, simply inhaling his surroundings and appreciating the beauty of the town he lived in.

Although he did enjoy big cities, like when he was in Boston for PAX East. The largest forest there was made up of skyscrapers and huge shopping centres, and there were so many _people_. That one city alone had more residents than the entire population of Ireland. The thoughts of living in a chaotic, crowded, concrete jungle made him grimace. Everything was too rushed, bustling and noisy. He spent his childhood surrounded by greenery and vast hills… It was there he learned tranquillity, and it was quiet enough for him to hear the real songs of the earth.

Athlone wasn't a small town, but not big enough to be called a city. It was charming, quaint and ancient, just like most of Ireland was. The Shannon faced him directly as soon as he had opened the door. Jack turned left out the gates of his complex and found himself being drawn to the river. Just across the way, on the other side, there were more houses and small shops, and to the right there was an empty, picturesque park next to suburban roads. He spent his fair share of time admiring the view before continuing on his way down the banks.

Shoving his hands in his pockets, he decided that he could wander around the area another day. Right now his apartment was low on food.

On his way to Tesco, he was reminded, smiling, that Athlone had its downsides too. He remembered when he passed a rancid old man, hunched and wobbling with a walking stick that looked to be just as old as the man himself. Though he seemed ardent as he ranted about the state Fine Gael has left the country in, Jack was pretty sure it was the alcohol in his system speaking for him, because the scent of whiskey and ale wafted its way into his nostrils as he walked past.

_And people say I'm an embarrassment to Ireland. If there's anything more stereotypical than potatoes and farmers, it's that old man. Sixty, moth-eaten clothes from 1975 and drinking both his sorrows and money away at 10 o'clock in the fuckin' morning… That's the real embarrassment of “Irish”, alright._

 

The rest of his journey to the grocery store was without incident, as he hoped it would be. Too often he found he _had_ to take pictures of the people he saw on the streets for Twitter. Like that one guy who was playing the guitar without a shirt on, or the raucous hen party, or even that weird car with three doors on one side.

Ireland also had its good sides, he pondered as he reached his destination. _There's Michael Collins and all that 1916 shit, even though they failed miserably._ As he picked up his shopping basket at the entrance, he remembered itchy uniforms, damp classrooms and a droning voice going on about Eoin MacNeill and the Irish separatists. _And there's James Joyce, and… The guy that wrote Dracula. Bram Stoker? Yeah._ He let his mind wander.

Because he lived alone he never needed much, just the essentials like bread, milk, ice cream, cookies, cake. He still wondered why some people insisted he make a vlogging channel as he began food shopping. _My life is so boring outside of gaming, what would I even say on my vlogging channel?_ “ _Top of the mornin' to ya laddies, my name is Jacksepticeye and I'm in Tesco's right now. Buying cheese. Oh, wow, look at that! Ardagh cheese is half off today.”_ He couldn't even pretend to like the half-assed, hilariously uninteresting commentary his head was coming up with as he walked the food aisles to pass the time.

Always a self-checkout kinda guy, he thought about the possibility of him being a misanthropist of sorts, packing the last of his sustenance into bags when he felt a tap on the shoulder.

The moment he made eye contact with her, she beamed, and he knew.

“Hi there!” he said happily, holding out his hand to shake hers. She was dressed in tight grey leggings, some nice Vans he wouldn't mind owning himself, a baggy shirt that suited her shape and a black cardigan to match. Her hair reached her waist and was the colour of hot, orange fire, and towards the tips it melted into a luscious blonde shade. Silky and smooth, he could only assume it was dyed, and her stretched ears and septum piercing told her she was a grunge-type girl, about seventeen or eighteen.

For a few moments she gripped his hand, unable to tear her eyes away from him, and, to be honest, he fought off a blush. Why do people think he's some sort of a god, up on a high horse? She just caught him purchasing some eggs and toilet paper.

The tiny, doll-like girl turned red, and squeaked out a greeting. Jack's heart melted at the sight, and if he wasn't holding up the self-checkout line, he'd hug her.

“Come on, we should talk outside. You caught me buyin' my groceries,” he said, letting go of her porcelain hand to take his bags to the exit. She followed him, and her voice returned to her when they were outside, a few feet from the main door.

“Hi Jack, um, sorry for botherin' you 'n' all...” Her voice was meek, shy, and held a touch of guilt.

“Are you jokin' me? I was havin' a normal, borin' day until you came up to me. You weren't botherin' me at all, don't I always say that you're welcome to approach me?”

“Yeah, but you were like, busy 'n' stuff.”

Jack scoffed. “Ah, no, not at all. I'm happy you came up to me, uh…?”

“Natalie.” She smiled brightly. “I know this is a really bad time and stuff, but I wanted to show you something. I wish I had something to give, but...”

“Go on, what is it?” He prodded her. She looked only five feet tall, and she was absolutely adorable.

Natalie stared up at him, and it was then he noticed that her eyes were a striking forest green. His forest back home in Offaly flashed in his head.

She rolled up the sleeves of her cardigan. Turned her arms around to face palm-up. Her soft skin had battle scars from wrist to elbow, so many that Jack couldn't count. His smile faltered.

Natalie gestured to her right one – it was just as badly damaged as the other, but the words were written with tattoo ink on her forearm just by her wrist, small and curling.

“ _~you're never alone~”_

And just next to it, a tiny septic eye.

Jack stared at it. Looking up, he caught Natalie's shy, anxious gaze, her eyes glistening with tears. Without thinking, he pulled her into a tight embrace. One hand pulled her by the waist and the other guided her head to rest on his chest. She began to hyperventilate, her breaths short and quick, and her body shook beneath his touch.

And there, in front of Tesco's, he stayed with her until she calmed. When she did, she cried tears of joy.

“You just don't know how many people you affect,” she said, cheeks wet with the trails of salty droplets. “Even I can't understand it, but somehow, your videos calm me down. I watch them all the time. I wait until it's night and I curl up with my phone and for a couple of minutes every day, you're my friend. I- I just can't believe you're in front of me. And I can't believe I just showed you-.. those...”

“Shhh, Natalie,” he soothed, reaching out a hand and wiping her face dry with his sleeve. “It's okay. I'm here now and I'm so glad that I helped you through hard times. My only goal is to make at least one person smile.”

“Smile? You saved my life,” she said coarsely. “Even when I had nothing, I had you to look forward to. Every day, without fail, for the past year.”

Jack felt his eyes burn and he let out a nervous laugh. “You're gonna make _me_ cry, stop it!” His eyes were just as wet as hers now. Something about someone tattooing your own positive words onto their body, over their scars and hardships made his eyes sting. To lighten the mood, he suggested they take a selfie, to which she enthusiastically agreed. He spoke to her some more, about games, weather, where she was from and their favourite pizza toppings.

But, sadly, Jack did have things to get done that day. It both irritated him and made him feel guilty that he had to say goodbye to Natalie (O'Connor, he discovered). It seemed to him that nobody really believed him when he says that he would love to meet every single person who viewed his videos. If he could, he'd spend hours speaking to all of them, getting to know the people who watched him. Nothing would make him happier than to listen to their life stories, their hobbies, beliefs, and ambitions. Meet and Greets were so hastened and deadpan it disgusted him. If only he had more time.

“Thank you so much for stoppin' and talkin' to me,” said Natalie. “I really thought you'd turn me away. Not 'cause, like, you're mean or anything, but you looked like you didn't wanna be disturbed.”

“Really?” he raised his eyebrows. “It's not like going to Tesco's is the most rivetin' thing. I was actually a little bored, to be honest with you.”

Natalie shrugged. “Maybe I'm shite at judgin' character. Thanks anyway, Jack. And I just wanna say congratulations on you and Mark.”

Jack's heart skipped a beat.

“What?”

“You two were so cute at PAX East, I'm glad you guys finally met.”

“Oh! Yeah, that.” He couldn't help but laugh. Why did he think-?

They said their goodbyes and just like that, Jack was on his way back home. Although he tried his best not to think about it, it kept popping up in his mind. _Why did that thought even cross my mind? Of course she was talking about when we met._

The sun beamed down and he actually felt surprised when he felt his head beginning to sweat from the heat. But the beanie stayed on. His hair looked awful.

He stopped at a roundabout when his phone buzzed in his front pocket. Normally he'd keep trekking onwards, bags in each hand, but since he was lazy last week and only bought what was absolutely necessary, this time around they were leaving marks on his fingers from the weight. And so he used his phone as an excuse to stop for a few minutes.

The phone buzzed relentlessly, so it had to be a phone call. A finger swiped the screen, and he lifted it to his ear, flexing his free fingers.

“Hello?”

“Bab,” giggled Signe. “What's shakin'?” She denied having an accent, but Jack could hear it just as clear as he heard her words. His smile was faint.

“I'm in the middle of the street with Tesco's finest between my legs.”

“...What?”

“Groceries.” Some jokes were lost on her, and he found that just as adorable.

“What the shit, Jack?” Her laugh made him grin, but at the same time he blushed. “Anyway, I called to see if you remember what I taught you.”

“Oh, God no.” His Danish was _awful._ She tried to teach him some simple words from her language, and even though the letters weren't as bad, the pronunciation was much worse than Korean. Soo-Jin flashed in front of his mind's eye, and he felt a pang of sadness in his heart.

“Hvad hedder du?” Asked Signe in her mother language.

He cleared his throat. “… Jack.”

“Fucking say it.”

“Jeg hedder Jack. Happy?” He wasn't as cheerful now as when he answered the phone first. He still loved and missed his ex-girlfriend, even though he wouldn't admit it to anyone. Not Signe, not Mark, and most of the time he even denied it himself.

“Yay, you remembered!” She said, “But now I know something is up. What's the matter?”

_Is it bad that I don't want to tell her? Like, at all?_ “It's nothing, I promise. My hands are just killing me from the weight of all this ice-cream I'm carrying.” Jack had to put on his flat cap and smile on camera for hours almost every single day. He was used to pushing his sadness aside, and he was even better at pretending it wasn't there at all. It got in the way of things.

And it seemed to work on his girlfriend as well, because she told him to hurry up and get home in the loving way she did, before saying her goodbyes and hanging up.

_I shouldn't let… Her, get in the way of my new relationship_ , he scolded himself, returning to his journey home. Which unfortunately was a time when his mind was free to think, without distraction. _Maybe I should've brought my earphones after all_. _Fuck it anyway._

Soo-Jin's gorgeous, contagious smile floated around in his head, and devastation seeped its way back into his heart. He remembered, back in his old cabin, the day he saw her profile online. From that day onwards, Jack couldn't believe her beauty. What was even more shocking that she used to say she couldn't believe _his_ beauty. She made him feel loved, wanted, safe. And he threw it all away for a couple more views online. Bile gathered in the back of his throat. _I fucking hate myself. She loved me, she really loved me. She never cheated, never complained. She waited for me, and I neglected her. And here I am, not even a month later, and I'm-_

_Oh, shit. SHIT. FUCK!_

The internet connection in South Korea was better than any connection Jack had in Ireland. No doubt Soo-Jin would see that people are talking about Jack and some other girl. She would _see_ that he's already gotten another girlfriend. That he's moved on.

_But I haven't_ , his mind whispered. _No matter how much I deny it, I... I haven't. She was the love of my life. I thought I was actually going to marry her. Where did it all go to shit? When?_

The only thing that scared Jack more than heights was letting his YouTube “fame” get to his head. _And it did. Fuck it. It did. I was too engrossed in my job that I forgot about her._ He tried to switch the roles around and picture his girlfriend being in his position, and him in hers. A real pain shot through his body. _No wonder she dumped my ass._ _I'm a piece of shit._

By the time he got home, playing Deadpool was the last thing he wanted to do. He took his time clicking the two videos of the day to upload in the background of his desktop, and spent even longer putting all the food away.

_I shouldn't leave myself alone with my thoughts. But I'm so not in the mood to prep. Damn it._ Eventually he chose to just put on headphones and mess around on the Internet, blasting good heavy metal in his ears. He responded to tweets and asks and comments. He loved his viewers to death and they'd surely cheer him up. After all, he _did_ have the entire afternoon and evening to record. There were times that he filmed at 1 a.m., sometimes even later. Not that that was a good thing, but… He'd get it done. He always did.

An hour passed, and his thoughts drifted to Mark. To that night he cried in front of him, right here in his recording chair. He still couldn't quite believe that Mark gave up sleep to listen to him babble on about anything and everything to do with Soo-Jin. And the weird thing was, Mark actually made him forget about her. It wasn't for long, but still. Nothing he'd tried after that conversation had worked. But Mark had.

_I still remember when I used to watch his videos, just like other people watch me now._ After recording his first collab video with Mark, Jack had to scream into a pillow to let out his excitement. He was such a huge fanboy of him, and he still is, and now they text each other and flirt on Twitter.

Flirt. Natalie's words replayed in his head. _“Congratulations on you and Mark.”_

It shocked him to think that the thought of them… like that… actually crossed his mind. It came out of nowhere. His heart stopped and regurgitated into his throat. For a fraction of a second he forgot how to breathe, but _why?_ Was it in disbelief? Or what?

_Whatever it was, the moment's over. Stop dwelling on it._ He'd let his mind wander for long enough. Clicking away, he played around on the internet for awhile, trying not to think of Mark or Soo-Jin or anybody. _I need to get in the mindset to record._ With some good hard beats pumping into his ears, he tapped his desk as if he were nineteen again, playing the drums with his band, thinking they were going to take over the world. It wasn't hard to get lost in the songs, arsing around on the Internet, just relaxing, before plastering on a smile for recording.

The hipster side of Tumblr revealed itself. Scrolling, he found a blog that posted rare words in English, and words from other languages that couldn't be translated. He Googled it, and clicked images, intrigued.

_kakkorrhaphiophobia_ , the fear of failure,

_psiturism_ , the sound of wind through trees,

_zugzwang_ , a situation where every possible move or decision is a bad one,

_nemophilist_ , a haunter of the woods, one who loves the forest and its beauty and solitude.

_Nice, there's a word for it_. But one word in particular caught his attention more than most.

_ **Forelsket: the euphoria you experience when you are first falling in love.** _

Jack searched for the language. Google responded with _Danish_.

Leaning back in his desk chair, he rolled his neck on his shoulders and let out a soft chuckle, drowned out by a bellowing electric guitar. How ironic was that?

Meeting Soo-Jin kind of felt like that, seeing her in front of him for the first time. Time stopped. It felt as though she was the only thing that existed. Nothing else mattered when he was with her. To feel her under his fingertips and smell the scent of her silky, long hair. _God, she was beautiful._

She had a kind of understated beauty, perhaps because she was so disarmingly unaware of her prettiness. She was all about simplicity, making things easy, helping those around her to relax and be happy with what they have. Maybe that's why her skin glowed, it was her inner beauty that lit her eyes and softened her features. When she smiled and laughed he couldn't help but smile along too, even if it was just on the inside. To be in her company made him feel that he too was someone, that he'd been warmed in summer rays regardless of the season.

But then he thought of Mark. That feeling of pure anxiety, how his heart beat out of his chest as the airport came into view from his seat. His hands shook when he found his suitcases at baggage claim, and how they became damp with sweat as he gripped the handles. It was so hard to breathe.

Mark insisted on meeting him the minute he landed, right at the arrivals. At the time, they laughed about meeting, but it wasn't funny to him any more when he felt sick with nervousness. Fear pierced through his chest when he glimpsed all those people waiting for their own someone. And that day, he was Mark's someone.

He had wanted to look away as soon as their eyes met. Closer and closer, he somehow managed to put one foot in front of the other. One last deep breath, and then there he was. Dressed in his infamous red plaid shirt, simple jeans and high tops, all smiles and glasses and black floofy hair. His fear faded, and he had dropped all of his bags and damn near jumped into Mark's arms. He gripped Mark so tight he probably hurt the poor guy, but Mark reciprocated just as intensely. Strong arms pulled him inwards, and he had felt the other man's fingers curling in on his jacket, clinging. There was something so warm, something that felt right, smelt right. His body pressed against Mark's, inhaling his scent, and, closing his eyes, his muscles become loose.

God knows how long they stood like that, faces buried in each other, just holding. Longer than appropriate, anyway. To break the tension, Mark had whispered in his ear,

“I'll never let go, Jack.”

They burst into peels of laughter, and Jack hit his shoulder for that stupid fucking pun. And just to make sure he was real. “How fuckin' long were you holdin' that in?! Fuck _sake_ , Mark!” And, just like that, the moment was over.

 

Jack sighed and tried to put a word on it. How he felt when he met Mark. Happy, excited? Sometimes he spun around in his desk chair when thinking, and this was one of those times. Foot on the ground just to give himself a little shove, his recording room started whirling, revolving, as were his thoughts. Content? His desktop whizzed past him. Overjoyed? Delighted? Coming to a stop, he was just as close to an answer as he was befo-

“Oh my god,” he croaked at his wall.

_No._

_No._

_Fuck this._

_I'm recording._

_I need to clear my head._ Jack stood up, made a drink, cleared his throat, took a piss, washed his face, messed with his hair, and anything else he could think of to run away from what just came into his head.

Finally, he returned to his recording room to actually use it this time. He opened Deadpool, turned on his facecam, Audacity, Fraps, all the usual stuff. It all came as second nature.

Visibly shaking off the last of his worries, he cleared his throat and glanced into the camera to make sure it was recording, picking up his flat cap and putting it on as he did every day.

“Jesus Christ… Alright. Okay. Three, two one-” Hands collided in a resounding _clap._ Filling his lungs, he exhaled, flexing his shoulders and cracked some bones.

Jack smiled at the lens, and high-fived it.

“Top of the mornin' to ya laddies!”

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi again!
> 
> i just wanted to ask that if you liked this chapter and/or want more, PLEASE let me know. i have such a low opinion of myself and i think my writing sucks and all that kinda stuff, so any tiny piece of encouragement or compliment would be really really appreciated!!
> 
> i'm really, really unsure if i should continue this story or not, so if you want me to, please let me know by leaving a kudos or comment. thank you so so much for reading!!

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know what you think! I'm really sceptical about continuing this, so if you liked it, leaving a kudos/nice comment is greatly appreciated. Criticisms are also welcomed with open arms. I hope you liked it!


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